Gone, Yet Still Here
by Mrs O-Town
Summary: Angel/Cordy POV. Cordelia finds Angel's diary and begins to read it...[A/C]
1. Coping

Disclaimer: I don't own anything  
  
Author's Note: Just something I decided to write while I was getting bored in Math.  
  
Instead of Angel and Cordelia being happy ever after, I thought I would write a sad novel (I think I was feeling really depressed, well it *was* math). It is A/C though and a Cordy POV.  
  
Gone, Yet Still With Me  
  
Wesley helped me into the Hyperion. I sat down on what I presumed was the couch, I couldn't see through my tears. I felt numb inside and shook with force you only see during an earthquake. Wesley sat next to me, not saying anything. I put my head in my dirt covered hands and felt the warm tears run down them. I heard Gunn drop down his axe by the couch and sit down on the floor. He's too tired to move. I am too. Its too hard to do anything but cry. Fred is at the kitchen sink, I hear the sound of water gushing down onto the basin. She fills up a tumbler of water and hands it to me. I look up and take it, but most of it falls on me as I can't keep the tumbler still. I give up and put it on the coffee table. The same coffee table that me and Angel played cards on, the same coffee table that I almost hit my head on if it hadn't have been for Angel catching me. I touch the surface, which is cold as it is glass. Finally after a period of deadly silence, Wesley says something.  
  
"Is everyone ok?" I laugh cynically. I know its mean, but I can't help it.  
  
"Sure, we're super(!)" I say. I can see Wesley is hurt, and I don't mean the grazes and cuts all over his body. I take off my muddy boots, the same ones Angel bought for me. My feet are killing me.  
  
"I-I'm sorry, Wes," I apologise quietly, but Wesley slightly smiles at me so I know he heard it. I look at my jeans. They're covered in dirt, no wait, they're covered in dust.  
  
Angel's dust.  
  
"I-I can't believe he's gone," I stutter. I never stutter, but that was beyond the point.  
  
"He fought well, he knew it could be the end," Gunn reminds me. He said the same thing when it happened. Fred is in the corner. She doesn't know what to do, I haven't seen her this quiet since Angel went to the Monastery after Buffy died. There is a wail from the baby monitor. Connor. Crying for his Dad. Gunn gets up and prepares to go. I hold his arm back and step forward.  
  
"Can I?" I asked. He looks at Wesley and nods. As I make my way upstairs, I can almost see Angel running from his room in the middle of the day, to see to Connor. He loves- LOVED that baby, since day one. I go into the room and pick up Connor. He cries harder when he sees me. Almost as if he knew what happened to his Dad. I look at him and nod as if I'm talking to him.  
  
"I'm sorry," I tell him as I sit in Angel's chair and rock him back to sleep. He's too restless, "He loves you, he told me to take care of you," I cry myself as I remember Angel's exact words before he took the stake. Connor stops crying and gurgles instead. His smile is so much like Angel's, it makes me smile myself.  
  
"Now you're my Angel, *you* have to take care of me," I tell him, I hope he remembers it. I can't cope on my own.  
  
When Connor falls asleep. I stay in the chair, staring out the window. There's nothing interesting out there, but it keeps my mind of Angel. I close my eyes and try to talk to Angel. I want to ask him why he staked himself; why he didn't let me take the fall, why he left me, left me the way Doyle did. When Doyle left, I got the visions; when Angel left, I got rid of the visions. Did Angel really think my visions were more important than his life? There is a light knock on the door and Gunn comes in. I wipe away the tears and allow him to sit.  
  
"He left with honour," he tells me. I nod, but Gunn knows that something is wrong.  
  
"He wanted to save you Cordelia, it was the only way,"  
  
"So he done a Buffy(?)" I say sarcastically. It's the only way that I can grieve. Crying and making sarcastic comments.  
  
"Cordelia, All of us, including Angel knew it was the only way to save you. It was either you or him.  
  
"Why couldn't he let me have the visions?"  
  
"Because they would have killed you. He knew of the consequences, he did it because he wanted you to live," Gunn tries to convince me. I know he's right, but I can't bring myself to admit to that. I would have rather died than deprive Connor of a father, a city without its Angel, a Seer without its warrior. Except I wasn't a Seer anymore. The PTB got their way.  
  
"How can I live knowing he's gone? I lived for Angel, that was why I was here!" I want to scream, but Connor's soft breathing stops me. Gunn shakes his head.  
  
"He wanted to give you a normal life, he wanted to give us all normal lives,"  
  
"There's no chance of that, we know what's out there, we know the things that go bump in the night are real. What if another murder comes along? Are we just supposed to sit and do nothing?" I ask. I can't take it anymore, I don't want to face up to the harsh reality, but I have to. I walk out of the room and disappear into mine. Its darker than usual, there are pictures everywhere but I can't bring myself to look at them. Look at Angel, look at his smile, his image, his eyes. I step on something and it stings my bare feet. I sit on my bed and look at my foot. Sharp shard of glass are planted in it. I take them out, but feel no pain. I look at what I stepped on, it's a photo frame. The picture is of me and Angel with Connor. I smile a little and feel a little better, until I remember its only an image. An imprint. I lie on my bed and close my aching eyes. I only want to close them for a minute, but feel myself falling asleep. A little while later, I hear a creaking of the door and Gunn's shadow projected on the wall. The door closes and I hear voices.  
  
"How is she?" Wesley asks.  
  
"I think she's asleep," Gun replies softly. The door opens again and Fred comes in. She leans over me and I clamp shut my eyes. I don't want to talk to them. A tear rolls down my cheek and Fred leaves.  
  
"She cried herself to sleep. Her pillow is all damp," Wesley tuts sympathetically.  
  
"It'll be worse tomorrow, that's when Angel's death is going to set in," I hear them go back down. I sigh quietly and sniff. Not Angel's death, its Angel's sacrifice. They don't want to use that word. Sacrifice; surrender, let go, give up, forfeit. Angel giving up? He never gave up, he never surrendered anything; except his life. I take a deep breath and start to cry all over again.  
  
~*~*~*~*The Morning*~*~*~*~  
  
I come downstairs. Wesley, Gunn and Fred stare at me. I know why they're staring. I have no make up on and I haven't made an effort to conceal my red eyes. Its quiet, too quiet. I decide to start the conversation. The silence makes me think of Angel. Hell, everything I do makes me think of Angel.  
  
"Morning," I manage to say. I, myself, am quiet. The others exchange 'Mornings', but not 'Good Mornings'. Connor is gurgling in Fred's arms. I can't look at him. I avoid eye contact with everyone. I eat two bites of toast and gulp down my tea while its still piping hot. It burns my throat, but I don't care. I just want to disappear upstairs again.  
  
"I made a call to Buffy last night. She's on her way," Wesley informs me. I scoff. Great(!) Just what we need.  
  
"Why?" I ask, still avoiding eye contact. Wesley looks at Gunn and Fred.  
  
"Because I think she has a right to know. She did love him, Y'know," he tells me. As if I didn't know.  
  
"But does she love him now?" I regret saying anything and go upstairs. Instead of going into my room, I end up going into Angel's.  
  
I can hear Gunn and Wesley.  
  
"Give her a break," Gunn defends me, "She thinks it's all her fault,"  
  
"But it isn't,"  
  
"Try telling her that," Gunn says.  
  
I look around and open the curtains. The light shines through. Angel has the biggest room. His bed is nicely made and untouched. I open his wardrobe, expecting to see black clothes. I'm right. I wonder what happened to the blue, yellow and red shirts I gave him for his birthday. At first I think he got rid of them, but something catches my eye and I notice the shirts, neatly hung up on the other end. I smile. He kept them. I at the bottom of the closet. There are boxes of weapons and mementos from fights etc. As I look through them, I notice a present. Curious, I take it out and read the label. Its addressed to me. I open it, slowly. Inside is a letter and an old book. I read the letter first.  
  
'My Dearest Cordelia, I'm sorry for leaving you all so suddenly, but I would rather have you live than me. I've done terrible things in my life, things I regret and things I now people will never forgive me for. I know that me dying doesn't make things any better, but you have given me so much. Without you, I couldn't do half the things I have done. You've helped me through a lot; Buffy, Darla etc.  
  
I have left knowing that Connor and everyone is safe. I know that you are safe, without your visions, your life will be so much better. I'm sorry your dreams couldn't come true because of them, but you are the strongest person I know.  
  
When I first met you, I thought you were conceited and vain, but since I've got to know you better, I have realised the real you is kind, generous and the most sweetest person alive. You've been through a lot, you all have. But at least I had the chance to see Connor and to meet the best bunch of people who can accept me for who I am and not a monster. Tell Connor that I'm sorry I couldn't see him grow up but he will always have my love. Tell him about my life, and tell him never to make the same mistakes I did. Tell Wesley that I have always valued his expertise and opinion, he will always be a trusted friend. Tell Gunn that he is really good with a sword and he could do a lot (just to be careful where he points it). And you, Cordelia, I just want to tell you how much I love and adore you. I'm sorry for leaving you and I hope I've done the right thing by letting you live, I couldn't forgive myself if anything happened to you. You are the very person I lived for, I did all the fighting to stop the visions. I couldn't bear seeing the pain they put you through. I rally love you, more than I could ever show. I leave you my diary, which I have kept since I left Sunnydale, I want you to keep it and read it. I want you to know who I really am, what I really felt and all the things I wish I could have told you.  
  
I'll be watching you, until we meet again.  
  
With all my love forever, Angel xxxx'  
  
I wiped the falling tears, one word is already smudged. I look at the book carefully and with a shaking hand I open it, it feels as if I'm with Angel again. I start at the beginning and read the date.  
  
12th June 1999…  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
I AM PLANNING ON CARRYING THIS ON, I'M GOING TO WRITE MOST OF ANGEL'S DIARY ENTRIES, BUT ONLY IF I GET GOOD FEEDBACK.  
  
Mrs O-TOWN XXXX 


	2. Keeping It Safe

Disclaimer: I don't own anything  
  
Authors Note: The diary entries are going to be in an Angel POV. The present is still a Cordelia POV.  
  
Gone, Yet Still With Me  
  
I read the pages carefully, over and over again. It's heartbreaking to read all his thoughts, his emotions and his regrets. I wipe the tear tracks from my face, I'm up to the part when he found out Buffy had died. I'm quite a fast reader. Just as I am getting into it, someone knocks hard on the door. I jump about ten feet into the air.  
  
"Cordy, you okay?" Gunn asks. Cordy, no-one calls me that except Angel, "Cordelia? Are you there?" Gunn asks again, upon hearing no reply. I sniff and wipe my tears.  
  
"Yeah," I reply, trying to disguise my feeble voice. I can tell Gunn didn't fall for it, but he pretends he didn't notice.  
  
"Good. Listen, Buffy's just arrived. She wants to talk to you, she has an idea," he tells me gently.  
  
"I'll be down in a minute," I call. Satisfied with my answer, I hear Gunn go back down.  
  
I roll my eyes in the room and get up, I stumble back down. My leg is full of pins and needles from sitting on the floor for…I look at my watch and gasp…three hours? I look for a mirror, before realizing I'm in Angel's room. I skip the idea and trail along downstairs, the diary clutched protectively in my hand.  
  
I see Buffy and Willow on the couch. They look depressed, Buffy's tried to cover up her red eyes. When they see me, I know what they're thinking. Poor Cordelia, always lonely, losing the people she loves. The last thing I want is pity. I can see that Buffy has the look of Angel-was-the-love-of-my-life written all over her face. The funny thing is, that it's engraved into mine. Buffy hugs me forcefully. I make no attempt to hug her back.  
  
"Poor Angel," she whispers. I want to rip her throat out. Poor Angel? Talk about irony.  
  
It's Willow's turn next. She doesn't hug me so forcefully, just a light hug and a small, sympathetic smile.  
  
"How are you feeling?" Willow asks quietly. I shrug and look at the floor, the diary behind my back. There is a long silence, only interrupted by Connor's small whimpers, which merge into a loud cry. I'm immediately aware of my responsibility to Connor and go to his attendance, the diary forgotten from my hands and dumped on the couch. I pick him up and coo to him for half a minute before I realize my hands are lacking a certain diary. I see it on the couch and make a grab for it, but Buffy gets to it first. My heart skips several beats.  
  
"What's this?" she asks flicking through the diary. I snatch it off her and put it behind my back, whilst simultaneously trying to keep Connor in my arms.  
  
"Its nothing, I was just reading to get my mind off things," I make up. Connor is gurgling now. He finds it amusing, Angel always found the tension between me and Buffy amusing. I could tell, although he never showed it. Buffy backs off a little.  
  
"Poor Connor. I wonder who's going to look after him now," Buffy says holding her arms out for Connor, I back away and shake my head.  
  
"I am," Buffy looks at me concerned.  
  
"You can't he needs a family who *doesn't* chase demons in their spare time,"  
  
"Connor *has* family. Me. Angel put all his trust in *me* to look after him. I'm not disappointing him," I tell them, holding my ground. Wesley looks at me as if I told him that pi was exactly three.  
  
"Cordelia, how do you know that Angel wants that? He knows that it was hard enough looking after Connor when he was alive. Connor belongs with a stable family, not us. Think of the problems we'll have raising him while we chase demons,"  
  
"Angel…" I wonder if I should tell him about the letter and the diary, "…wrote me a letter, he told me that he wants me to look after Connor, I'm not going back on his word," I say. They don't need to know about the diary, that's one thing I'll keep a secret, I'll even pass it down to Connor in time. The others look at me and at each other. I want to go back to reading the diary.  
  
"Look, I know you're here to mourn or whatever, but why else are you here? All I want is to get on with life, its not going to help if you're here too," I say, a delicate way of saying 'Get lost,'. Buffy smiles at Willow and the others.  
  
"Well, Willow has a plan to resurrect Angel. Apparently, you can do that to vampires with souls," she tells me, expecting me to be happy. Like how Wolfram and Hart brought back Darla and ruined *all* our lives?  
  
"Yeah, all we need is to go to where he died, get some dust, etc etc, and poof! Angel's back. The others seemed to like the idea," Willow explains. I shake my head.  
  
"No, I won't let you do that. Angel's happy now, you saw how messed up Buffy was when you brought her back. You *ripped* her out of Heaven, I'm not going to bring Angel back to where he won't be happy," Buffy looks a little embarrassed. I know that she feels hypocritical. I mean, she knows what it feels like to be brought back to a world where she risked her life everyday just so others can live. They all look at each other, surprised at my decision. Buffy comes forward, strained for words.  
  
"B-b-but…he…has…a son," she puts forward.  
  
"I *know*, but Angel's already died twice. I mean, 250 years is a long time to be living. He can see everything from up there. He's earned his place and we can't take that away," The Fang Gang slowly realize that I've put up a good argument, and best of all I've won.  
  
Buffy looks defeated and clears her throat.  
  
"Well, I think we've spent enough time here," she turns to go. I've never been so glad to see the back of her, but then she turns back and asks awkwardly  
  
"Did Angel…leave…anything…for me?" she asks. I clutch the diary, contemplating whether I should give it to her, just to look.  
  
"No," I say firmly. She nods and leaves with Willow closely in tow. Before anyone can say anything, I'm on my way upstairs and I locked inside Angel's room, with Connor still in my hands  
  
I sit on his bed, next to Connor, and open it up to where he comes back from the monastery…  
  
'I walk through the sewers, trudging slowly, wondering what Cordelia would say. Cordelia, that name send shivers down my spine. I've missed her. I found out what I needed wasn't a retreat, but to have Cordelia with me, brightening me up with her smile. Sometimes I wonder if she's made a bigger sacrifice than I have... 


	3. Heartthrob

Disclaimer: I don't own anything  
  
Authors Note: The diary entries are going to be in an Angel POV. The present is still a Cordelia POV.   
  
Spoilers: I'm going to write diaries entries for most episodes of series 3 of Angel.  
  
'I walk through the sewers, trudging slowly, wondering what Cordelia would say. Cordelia, that name send shivers down my spine. I've missed her. I found out what I needed wasn't a retreat, but to have Cordelia with me, brightening me up with her smile. Sometimes I wonder if she's made a bigger sacrifice than I have... I am about to knock on the door, but hesitate. I can hear Cordelia's voice talking presumably to Wesley and Gunn. She's saying something about demons and mice. I wonder if she missed me. Cordelia opens the door and shrieks. I step forward, hoping she doesn't shout at me or hit me; instead, a smile forms on her face.  
  
"You're back," she says, enveloping me into a hug. I squeeze her tightly, never wanting to let go, but she does and tells Wesley and Gunn. It's good to see them again, the Hyperion looks a little bigger than usual, but its still home, especially when I have all my friends there. Gunn tells me I should have gone to Vegas. Vegas doesn't have Cordelia. Cordelia fishes for gifts and I pick up the small human head that I got for Gunn. She looks at it in disgust, but doesn't get all stroppy like I thought she would have. I take it off her and give it to Gunn, who is pleased with it. I give Cordelia the necklace that I bought for her. She gasps and puts it one, mentioning something about her breasts. I smile and hand Wesley his present. He's also very pleased with it, even though he almost kills me with it. Maybe it was a mistake buying that for him, he isn't as skilled as Gunn and I with weapons. I ask about Fred, she's also been a concern for me. Poor Fred; trapped in Pylea and  
now she's confined herself to her room. From what I hear, all is not good. I go up, almost getting lost on my way. I knock on the door.  
  
"Hi, how are ya?" the southern accent rings through the door. I tell her it's me and she gasps. She forgets to invite me in and mistakes it for me not wanting to be there. I feel kind of awkward when I step inside, and scared. She's written all over her wall. When I question her about it, she tells me she's listening out for a click. I tell her that she needs to come down for a while, I almost coax her, but then Cordelia screams in pain. I excuse myself and run all of the way. I hate seeing Cordelia in pain. When she tells me what she saw, I don't want to leave her side. She tells me to go, insisting she's ok, but I don't like leaving her like that. I managed to save some kids and kill every vampire except one, who gets away. What I don't realize is that I killed James' girlfriend. I look at the necklace and feel guilty, even though I've done what I had to. I tell the others about the Holtz and they seem intrigued. But I'm wondering how James is going to take the news; all I  
know is that I'd better keep an eye out. Wesley and Gunn offer to get information for me, seeing as its daylight. I agree cos I know we have to get to James before he does anything drastic. Just like whatshername died, Buffy did too. About half an hour later, I'm sitting on the stairs, examining the necklace, I can sense Cordelia wanting to ask me something but then she decides against it. I challenge her and she comes over to me, well, after insisting she didn't want to say anything. I know Cordelia; I've known her ever since I came here. She's the only connection I have to Sunnydale (except Wesley). She talks to me about losing the love of your life and I mistake it for Elizabeth. Instead, I realize she's talking about Buffy. I really don't want to talk about it, but she decided to do all of the talking. She says it's not her style to pry, but she does it anyway. She understands what I'm feeling, almost as if we were the same person. Then she turns the subject around and  
asks me what happened with the Holtz, which I'm only too happy to oblige to. I hardly finished telling to story when the phone rings and Wesley tells me James is alive. I'm on full alert and look for my hurling axe, which Cordelia put in the basement. She argues with me, moaning that she'd feel safer with me than alone. I really want her to go, James is dangerous and the last thing I want to see is her being hurt. I know that Cordelia is an easy target. As I open the basement door, James is standing there and we get into a fight. I can see Cordelia standing there, I tell her to go and James' attention is drawn away. We fight for a while. I can hear Fred call my name; she's finally come out her room. Great timing (!). I run so I can see her from the floor, I tell her to go back and stay there, she leaves, a little freaked out. She didn't see James and me fighting. Cordelia hits him with a fire extinguisher and I manage to get back up. I tell Cordelia to stay back but she  
tosses me a stake, which is caught by James. Her holds it against my chest and I try to resist it. Cordelia tries to get him off me, but instead she's thrown across the floor. I stake James and help Cordelia. I tell her its over, but James, somehow, is still alive. I'm worried and a little bemused, but I don't have time to think. I throw him out the window, but the sun doesn't set him alight. Cordelia and me run into the sewers to get a head start. I cut my hand on one tunnel to distract him while Cordy and I hide out. She tells me he's invincible, but I tell her not to exaggerate. We think of possibilities to his...invincibility. All we can come up with is the Ring of Omara. There is rumbling above us and Cordelia clings to my neck.  
  
"Earthquake?" she whimpers.  
  
"Subway," I tell her keeping my voice low. She eases off me a little. Then of all the things that could happen, her cell phone rings. It scares the Hell out of me. Its Wesley and we find out James *is* invincible. He went to some sort of slog demon and got his heart cut out. It only lasts for a while, but we couldn't hear the rest because we lost the signal.  
  
James manages to get to where we are hiding so our only option is to go up and onto a subway. We manage to get on and lose him, but I don't know for how long I can keep him off. Cordelia starts babbling on about our remaining options when I hear something above us. I tell Cordelia to listen and she's as shocked as I am. I shield Cordelia from the glass just as James jumps in from the window. I tell her to keep back as James asks me how it is possible that I care about someone who isn't me. I am a little miffed because for however long I've had a soul, I've been really caring.  
  
"Are you still the man who screwed Darla and didn't care less what happened to her?" he asks me. I'm embarrassed at first before I realize he means back in the day.  
  
"Angel's different now, he has a soul and he cares about people," Cordelia defends me.  
  
"So you might feel something when I snap her neck," James says. I can feel Cordelia's heart beating fast.  
  
"It's not as if he's losing sleep with the caring," she says as she tries to save her own skin. I don't blame her. He motions to Cordelia and tell me he can kill the one that I love. How ironic! Don't get me wrong, I love Cordelia to bits, but he had no idea about Buffy.  
  
"You can't," I say. In both ways, One - Buffy is dead and two - I won't let him even *touch* Cordelia.  
  
"Are you forgetting who's the invincible one here?" he asks me. I tell him the woman I love is dead. He asks whom and Cordelia fills in.  
  
"It happened about three months ago - we try not to say her name too much,"  
  
James asks me if I loved Buffy with all my heart. I nod (well, I *did*), but he says I don't. He tells me that if I loved her and she died, then it would kill everything in me. Before I have time to reflect on my own feelings, he grabs a chair and tosses it at me. I fall to the ground before taking somebody's crutches.  
  
"Catch him," I tell Cordelia. She doesn't know who I mean until the guy falls on her. I corner James and he has no energy left in him. I guess the `cure' he had is losing its effect. I keep the crutches poised rather than attempting to kill him. He tells me that I never really loved Buffy before turning to dust. I stare at the pile of dust before me and Cordelia help the others.  
  
At the Hyperion, the first thing on my list is to talk to Fred. I try, but it doesn't seem to have much affect. I go down and am met by Cordelia who asks me how it went. She then asks me how I am. I try to say that I'm okay, but she knows me better than Buffy did. I tell her that the problem is that I'm fine and not depressed like James was. She tells me its okay; I don't have to be like James, it doesn't make a difference to my love for Buffy. Things will get better soon.  
  
"You really think so?" I ask. She smiles at me.  
  
"I'm Cordelia, I don't think, I know," I want to tell her how much I adore her, but Wesley informs me of some more demons we have to kill. Great (!)'  
  
~*~*~ 


End file.
